oh, and here’s something else that i enjoyed.

maybe one day i’ll make it to barcelona.

warning — pics are graphic

http://www.aurelm.com/?p=562

just had to post this. i know it’s not nice to laugh at other’s misfortunes, but i couldn’t resist. i just got back from walmart and i saw some nipples, and it made me think of this site. i didn’t have a camera, and i would never take a picture of random people. but, i saw nipples, and so did everyone else standing in line. now i remember why i don;t shop at walmart.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

This is my first sober New Years in many years. I attribute that to a little bit of wisdom and a lot of kindness and love.

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” – Gandhi

look up. the long night

moon shines brightly. breathe. pause. smile.

the year brings promise.

—alternate version—

look up. the long night

moon shines brightly. inhale. smile.

the year brings promise.

Update: December 26, 2009

So this is what happens when I don’t drink. I basically walked out on Christmas eve with my family. I should have done this a long time ago. I wonder when the next time I speak to my family will be… I’m not angry or anything, but I just can’t take it anymore. I had to pay for another hotel room and change my flight home, but that was the best $250 bucks that I’ve ever spent. I thought I could put up with it for a couple of days, but I can’t. My clothes smell like pot from my brother’s apartment, and I just couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room anymore. I didn’t say anything to him because he gets violent, but I’ve told my Mom I can’t deal with it anymore. I’ll probably never see the money he owes me, but active drug addicts are like that. I’ve never stood up for myself with my family in my entire life, and I just can’t pretend that everything is ok anymore, because it’s not.

My family doesn’t know the part of me that drinks — I kept that to myself. They don’t know about this recovery process either, or how I much I feel like I am teetering over the edge of sanity. They don’t know the competent, professional part of me. I’m not sure what version of me they are holding on to, but it’s surely not one that stands up for herself.

Mental illness runs in my family, on my Mom’s side. Severe depression and suicide. My Mom has a history of black out drinking, which I’ve heard is reserved for alcoholics. She quit drinking completely when I was a kid, but started again after my father passed away. Black out, abusive drunk. Of course, I was the target of the abuse, only because she knows I won’t stand up for myself. She doesn’t drink anymore, but she is a sad, miserable old lady. I think I understand the term “dry drunk” completely now. I never got it before. So maybe alcoholism runs through my veins. She’d never admit to anything of the sort, because she sees mental illness as a weakness. I asked her for help for the depression when I was about 20 years old, with razor cuts all over my arms, but she wrote me off, I guess. I just drank more. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time asking for help today. I’m afraid I won’t be worth the effort.

I was thinking about a lot of things last night. I don’t like the label “alcoholic.” I think I was looking at it as an excuse, like a way to explain all my past behavior. But no matter how I look at it, it all describes me. It’s really the way I clearly lose my sanity when I drink that does it.

To live… to really live, is what this recovery process is all about. I’ve been at it for just about a year now. That’s when I decided I had to change my life to live. I didn’t realize at the time I’d actually have to change my entire life and how much pain would be brought up, but it’s brutally clear to me today.

Last night I had a revelation. I can’t deny I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been drinking a 12-pack of beer over the past 2 months or so. There’s still 2 beers in my fridge at home. I’ll drink 1 or two a week. I thought that if I could control the drinking, then I would be ok, and I could move on to tackle more serious issues. So, I can control the drinking, for now. But it feels like I lose my clarity of thought, my sanity, for about a week or two afterwards. Just one beer. My mind does that crazy hyperdrive thing that made it so hard to stop drinking in the first place. I can see what’s really in control.

This is my life, I can never forget that.

These days, mostly, I’m overwhelmed with sadness and hurt. I’m completely incapable of handling it myself, because the sadness skews my judgment to the point where I don’t think I’m worth the effort. But I know I am. I have moments of clarity every now and then, moments when I really smile and am happy just to be alive.

I’m fairy certain I suffer from some sort of clinical depression, although I know only a professional can diagnose and help me. Ironically, I have so much anxiety associated with that, I have to build up the courage to make that phone call. I still have suicidal thoughts, but now they’re somewhat more romanticized. They’ve become poetic. I’m not sure if that’s better or worse, but I know any such thoughts are dangerous.

And last, but not least, I have serious issues with control. As if that isn’t the most obvious underlying element to all of this. It took me awhile to see that. The alcohol was the only thing that allowed me to lose control. And now I’m trying to control it, to no avail. I try to control the sadness, but I’m afraid to ask for help. I’ve completely isolated myself from others. I have 2 friends who are online, whom I’ve never met. They’re the only people in the world who know what I’m going through, and they still accept me as I am. Amazing. Most of my anxiety is related to control issues as well. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m actually terrified of seeking professional help because I don’t know what will happen. That’s why I would never ask for help in AA either. Once I introduce another person into my recovery, I lose control. As long as I keep it all in my own little world, I maintain control. Like a good little alcoholic.

I can see how all of these issues, especially the control one, allowed me to react to AA the way I did. They were asking me to give up control and give it to God. Of course, that’s tough when you don’t believe in God, but there’s always a way. I can steal from one of my online friend’s recovery blogs and choose reality as my reason for living. This moment is my life. This moment is the reason I am here. I’m just trying to strip back all the delusions and walls and biases and defense mechanisms that have allowed me to be a black-out drunk for so many years.

I haven’t been drunk in over 7 months, and I’ve found out that I can take a lot more pain than I ever imagined. I can also function normally in a job, and manage to take care of myself in the process. Thankfully, I’m healthy. I’m even happy sometimes. I smile a lot more. I cry tears of happiness when I think of how kind people have been to me. I’m still not used to that.

I like to see my recovery process as chasing a smile. You see, I’ve got this fake smile thing all worked out. It fools my family and those who don’t know me, but I can’t fool myself. The real one comes out every now and then, and it surprises me sometimes. I smile at a beautiful landscape, the way a tree can be so grounded and yet so free, the way a breath tells me I am alive, and basically any time anybody shows me some thoughtfulness and kindness. That’s the part of life I’ve been missing out on all these years. Now I’ve just got to introduce more people into my life. I went to an AA meeting last night, on Christmas Day. I just didn’t want to be alone. It was hard enough to ask my family for respect, and then to realize I wasn’t going to get it. I need to find more people and places where I will be respected, just as I am.

Much love.

only i know that i ate too much food today.

only i know that i haven’t been to the gym or yoga in about 3 weeks.

only i know that i cry every night.

only i know that sometimes it hurts more to live.

only i know that every time i take a bath, i think of my blood draining out into the warm water.

only i know that i masturbate to stop crying most nights, just to feel something different.

only i know that i always need a man to focus on, as if seeing myself through his eyes will be redeeming.

only i know how much it hurts just to be.

only i know the sorrow of 2 abortions.

only i know how it feels to file bankruptcy.

only i know how it feels to watch my father die, his body becoming bloated with organ failure, then the inevitable thrashing as death takes hold.

only i know how it feels to be degraded.

only i know how it feels to sit in jail for battery overnight, turning down an offer from a prostitute to share her bed.

only i know how the blood flowing through my limbs keeps me alive.

only i know what it looks like when someone’s spirit is crushed.

only i know how much pain i have caused.

only i know how easy it would be to just give up.

your judgment is superficial.

empty spaces breathe

sweetness and light, life and love

the shortest day sighs

sadness floods my head

but today i saw the way out

baby steps and a smile

The sound effects are the best part!