melind4

so I went to a meeting tonight, planning on getting my 90 day chip, but i didn’t speak up. i even went a little early to make sure i got a good chair, and to talk to anyone if such an opportunity came up. i didn’t talk to anyone. there were a lot of those people there who only talk to me sometimes and other times completely ignore me. they’ve given me their phone numbers, and then i’ve listened while they talked about something, and then they leave. and then they completely ignore me the next time they see me. no acknowledgement whatsoever. what’s the deal? is it because that was when i had less than 30 days and introduced myself as such, and now i no longer qualify as a notch on their “service to aa” bullshit? i don’t understand their agendas, and there are a lot of them.

so, i didn’t get a chip because i didn’t feel supported by the group. i didn’t want them to know i had 90 days.

then i listened to the most annoying lady speak for a half an hour. nothing was her fault. every time she drank it was because of someone else. i waited until she finished just in case she was going to say that she eventually saw the reality of the situation, but she didn’t. and then she spoke of how she rebelled against her childhood god and found a new, more benevolent god in aa. it started with “good orderly direction,” then turned to “group of drunks” and then to the god who took her through the steps. but she’s still a crazy bitch, and can’t seem to see the reality of most situations most of the time. aa taught her right from wrong.  i’m glad the steps have worked for her?

maybe i’m just not as crazy as a lot of the people in the meetings. i always knew right from wrong, and i chose the wrong path a lot of the time as self-destructive behavior. and i knew it every time. so maybe these people need their contrived aa gods to tell them the difference? as a psychological trick?

i just don’t know anymore if aa is for me. i see the argument that some Christians have against the pseudo-spirituality of aa. it’s taking people who grew up with the Christian God and twisting that into something that serves the person’s needs at the moment. it’s a manipulation that takes them away from the real Christian God.

i don’t believe in God — never have, never will. there is no organizer of the universe, no heaven or hell, no one to save me from my sins. and i don’t believe in a higher power either. everything that is me is the Universe. that’s the beauty of it all. none of it is greater than me, because i am a part of it. that’s the connection.

so i don’t know if i’ll go back to a meeting. i can’t be an atheist, a person who knows right from wrong innately, a person who is actually trying to work through my issues to live a healthier life while i have the chance, and sit in those meetings and listen to all the bullshit anymore. i want to go, i want to find a connection. but i haven’t. and i’m open-minded. i listen. there is one person i feel an actual connection to, and he is a man, who just happens to be tall and handsome. i keep my distance from him, though, because i can’t tell if it’s just my general fucked-up-ness regarding men, or if i really feel connected to his sobriety.  there are a few women that are nice to me, and i do appreciate that. but they’re a little crazy. when they speak, they speak of pulling guns on people, hiding in the closet and rocking back and forth, and things that are very extreme to me. and this is after 17+ years of sobriety.

so what am i missing? i know i need sober people in my life. i want to work through my shit to be a better person, i am 100% committed to my recovery, and i have strong spiritual beliefs that pull me through. i talk to people every now and then, i’m open-minded, i listen, and i felt connected to the group. i try to live in the moment. i try to be a better person every day. i am grateful for what i have, for the opportunities i have been given. i have adopted a whole different perspective on life.

i think i’ll keep doing what i’m doing, but just go to less meetings. maybe i’ll just go once a week. i like the smaller meeting on sunday. i know i’m on the right path, but i just thought i would feel more connected to aa with my recovery by now, and i don’t think i need aa to get through this. i’ve got my spiritual beliefs, i’m connected to what i’m thinking, how i’m thinking, and who i really am as a person. aa just seems to be chock full of negativity right now. and i need to move forward.

i know a lot of people don’t see it, or will deny it, but the path of the 12 steps is just the path of most major religions anyways, in their true forms (not the ways that most in my country practice them). i’ll stick to my non-theist philosphical and spiritual beliefs, which propel me to do what the 12 steps do anyways. i think it might be time to let go of aa, but i’ll keep going, once a week, until i am more confortable with letting go.

but please, somebody (sane) tell me if that is the completely wrong thing to do. because it feels like the right thing to do. it really feels like the right thing to do.