melind4

If I have to choose a higher power for my recovery to work, then I label it “the Universe.” It’s not me against the world, it’s me aligned with the Universe. The Universe wants me to succeed.

And it’s not like I’m running away from a “legitimate” God — I’ve never been to a Church to worship, my parents never forced a religion upon me, I’ve studied a lot of major religions, and I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover. I’m not rebelling. I respect others’ beliefs, but I just choose differently, and that;s ok.

Today, I am not in harmony with the Universe. You know how there are those days where everything seems to go wrong? That’s my day today. Nothing major, just lots of minor things that seem to be going wrong. But I have to have these days so I know when everything is going right. Most days, most stuff goes right.

The reason why it is difficult for me to think of a higher power in the AA sense, is that I am part of the Universe, and the Universe is part of me. Everything I do affects the Universe, so my choices and my will are a part of my higher power. I understand that I need to be willing to let go, but when it comes down to me and an overwhelming desire to drink, I make the choice. Before, I always made the decision beforehand, and there was no changing my mind once it had been made. Had that been the case last night, I would have had a major hangover today. But today my mind is open, and I can see that there are more choices, and I know the decision to drink is the wrong decision.

When I was drinking, I could never lose weight.  I couldn’t make a choice to be healthier and continue to drink as I did. So I never tried. Now, the weight just falls off, about 5 pounds a month. I don’t even exercise that much, and I still eat some things I should limit more often. But, one thing at a time. I’m just trying to reach a healthy weight range. I’ll worry about the rest later. There was a small shift in my mind that I have to respect my body. I have abused it in more ways than one, and that has to stop. Even though I am separate from my physical self, this is the body I am in, and this is the mind I have been given, and I have to respect them both. If addiction is a sickness of the mind, then I should be eating better foods to try to heal that mind. Same with depression. Maybe I can’t heal myself completely, because I am more than just body and mind, but I can try.

So, I know that the majority of people believe in Jesus, or the Christian God, who are vocal in AA. At least that’s how it is in my area. And the 12-steps were written from a Christian standpoint. Maybe there is a little mysticism added in, but the higher power is definitely a power outside of the self. Mine is not. Actually, if I think about it too much, then self goes away, and everything is just one. But I’ve got some stuff to work on within my self before I can go that far.

I felt it today, how everything is connected, threads of the same fabric, when things were going wrong. They weren’t happening to me, they were just happening. And that gave me a lot of patience that I might otherwise have left behind. It actually made me smile. I used to surf when I was younger. I was never really that good, but the feeling of catching a wave is awesome. I love the ocean. The first thing that any surfer does when she gets to the beach is sit on the sand and observe the waves, the swells, the current. Then you can paddle out. Once you let a few waves go by, then you are ready to catch one of your own. When that happens, you are a part of the ocean. There are some days when I feel like that. Then other days, I lose my perspective, and that’s like jumping in the ocean without knowing how the swells are that day. I’ve been pounded on the rocks more than a few times for that. But I’ll always remember the times when I felt connected to the Universe. And that’s what it’s all about for me.

The 12-steps require a reliance on an external higher power. I’m pretty sure that is a key part of the Program. But nothing out there’s gonna pick me up but myself. I have to make the choices that lead me on the better path. I have to make the choice to put one foot in front of the other, every day. I did that last night by choosing not to drink, when I was strongly pulled by the compulsion to do otherwise. The real pull wasn’t the alcohol — I wanted the nightlife, I wanted the attention. I miss the attention, the instant gratification, the game. That;s what that was all about last night. My biggest flaw right now is my lack of self-confidence. It’s difficult to see how awesome I really am (haha) when I have been degrading myself for the past 10+ years, and finding satisfaction from it. I’ve not been in alignment with the Universe, and the waves just pass me by.

I see my progress, but I’m not satisfied. The fact that I am not an asshole doesn’t bring me satisfaction. I don’t win a prize for that. I’m just so used to getting highs from things it’s really difficult to let them all go, all at once. But I can feel the swells, I know that they are there.

I know that most worthwhile things in life just take time, and patience is something I lack. But time is just flying by so quickly now, maybe in a year  it will feel like I went to sleep and woke up a better person.

So I can’t just give in and let my higher power take control, because my will is part of my higher power. But I am willing to look at myself, my flaws, what my drinking has done to those around me, and why I feel the need to drink like this in the first place. I’m willing to connect with other people who might be able to steer me in the right path, or maybe they might need my perspective for themselves. As long as I’m open to the process, then I think I will be ok. I still don’t think the 12 steps are for me, becasue they are just a rewrite, with God added in, of basically every self-help book I have read in the past few months, including the Buddhist ones. I don’t need such a detailed instruction manual, especially one that doesn’t respect my beliefs. (and the part on how the agnostic became a believer in God lays out the expectations of the manual fairly clearly).

But, I can still go to meetings to keep myself grounded. Good thing the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.

I’m a strong believer in visualization. If I make a plan, I need to draw a diagram. I can’t do much math in my head, but give me a paper and pencil, and I’m good. My best method for studying in college was to write things out, then I would always remember the picure of the words I wrote. So I sit here, and I close my eyes and picture what I want for my future, and that picture stays with me. When I’m done, I have a smile on my face and tears of happiness in my eyes. Maybe I’m just crazy, but it works. You might think happiness is not a picture, but there are lots of gorgeous flowers, lots of life, and I know I’ll get there one day. And today, that makes me smile.

I know I read in one of my books that the Dalai Lama didn’t understand the Western tendency to hate oneself. That just didn’t exist in his world. He didn’t understand the whole concept. I know that loving myself is the first step. I have to know, in my heart, that I deserve happiness. Intellectually, I know that I do, but it’s hard to keep that in perspective at times.

If I need to label my higher power in a finite sense to pull myself out of my addiction, then I label it self-love. Self-love is my higher power at the moment. Unconditional love. It’s what I need to pull myself up a little more. I must love myself no matter what I have done, no matter what I will do. I’ll let you know when I get there.