melind4

I know I said I was going to write more thoughtful posts on this site, and I haven’t been doing that so much. But sometimes I just have to write things down, to get them out.

It’s about 9:30pm on the 4th of July. I sat in my underwear watching stand up comedians on Comedy Central most of the day, in the 100+ degree heat. Craig Ferguson was one of the comedians. He humorously talked about his coming of age with alcohol and drugs. I must have fallen asleep, because there were more than a few different comedians but I don’t remember any transitions. Then I watched people make cakes that look like Ice Age characters, and I thought that would be a cool job.

I cooked some bbq in my little convection oven, and then I ate far too much food. Hey, it’s my right to be a fat, lazy American.

At about 8pm, I went to take a bath because I had been sweating all day, and there was a mini-scorpion on my ceiling, nestled between the grooves of the acoustic ceiling right above my bed. I moved the bed, sprayed him (but forgot to turn off the ceiling fan first), took a bath, then sucked him up with the vacuum. He was about a half-inch long. Awesome! The eggs must have hatched!

I could hear the fireworks outside, and I went for a little walk to see them. I really just had to clear the scorpion anxiety from my head. I could smell the sulfur in the air. I could only see the illegal fireworks that people were setting off somewhere not too far away. I must’ve missed the ones by the casinos.

While I was walking, I was really craving a big ass cold beer. Maybe it has something to do with eating too much food — that feeling of being over-stuffed reminds me of being with my ex for some reason. I was/am wearing some bermuda shorts and a tank top. I was thinking that I look good. Which, for me, is different than I usually feel about how I look — even when I was skinny I always thought something could be better. I was thinking that it’s a shame that I look so good and there’s nobody here to appreciate it. Then I thought I could just go to the bar and maybe not drink (notice the word maybe), just to get out of the house and do something. But I know that’s bullshit.

I just want beer and attention. And I know all I have to do to get that attention is make eye contact with someone at a bar. Works every time.  Sure, he’ll probably be an asshole, but that’s not the point.

So, I’m back to the part where I think I must be fundamentally defective to be thinking such thoughts. Why can’t I just be content not drinking and not engaging in unhealthy behaviors? Why am I even entertaining the thoughts?

I know the fact that it’s a holiday and most everyone else in the country is celebrating with friends or family, and I had nowhere to go had I decided to leave the house kinda rubbed me the wrong way all day. Argh.

Why do I need/crave this attention from external sources? Why can’t I just be ok with myself?  I’m fighting back the tears so my eyes won’t be red and puffy should I decide to go out. How stupid is that? Oh well. I just wanted to write this shit down while it is still fresh in my mind.

The desire to drink is really really strong at this moment. But what I really want is the attention. But I’m never going to get that attention when I am sober because I’d never put myself in that position unless I’ve been drinking. I don’t know why I can’t just be ok without that negative attention. It;s like I lose all respect for myself.

I know this is when I am supposed to call someone, but we know I don’t like to ask for help.