melind4

I feel much better this morning than I did last night.

After some thought, I think my thoughts change when I come home from work to an empty apartment, and have no one to talk to, no one to make plans with for the weekend. And the fact that this is a holiday weekend doesn’t help much either.

I think I need to come to terms that I really can’t do this alone. The only reason I’ve made it this far is because of the support I’ve received through the blogs. Yes, I’m strong, but I’m extremely sensitive, and I can easily lose control of my perspective. I see why AA suggests 90 meeting in 90 days — it’s hard to recondition a mind that is habitually inclined to take the low road. I feel guilty, I feel worthless, I feel undeserving of my progress. But that’s the bullshit acting up again, trying to find a way out.

I deserve a better life, I put in a lot of effort, and it’s just hard to create lasting change.

I’m not sure if I have a mood disorder or not, but I’d like to feel comfortable with my sobriety before I seek out help for that. Maybe that’s just another excuse, it’s hard for me to tell, but I’m not sure how much of my craziness is a result of my addiction and how much is just me. My astrology chart says I’m just moody, but the moods can be so extreme, and that’s what I’d like to sort out one day. There’s no need to feel that high one day, and that low the next.

I feel like I have to find my baseline with sobriety — what I am like without the influence of any substance — before I seek any professional help. I feel like I need to establish the most normal, healthy life I can come up with before I address any bigger issues. I know if I talk to a doctor about my moods now, I would probably be prescribed some sort of pill, and that’s the last thing I want.

It’s no wonder I feel crazy sometimes though. It’s like the addiction is another sentient being taking refuge in my mind, and it’s trying it’s hardest to make me break my sobriety. But it’s all really just me, trying to run from my fears yet again. That’s what that post last night was all about — I was trying to find an excuse to drink. Thankfully, I’ve realized that I must not drink, at all costs. It’s better to stay sober, alone, in tears, than it is to drink. At least I’m feeling something. I may not be emotionally intelligent enough to recognize what’s causing my sadness at the time, but I might just be able to see it more clearly the next day.

May everyone out there in cyber-land a happy and safe 4th.