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Domino was kind enough to prepare my astrology chart for me as a birthday gift. It is very detailed, but I will focus here on the Sun sign. In later posts, I will focus on other aspects of my chart. All quoted information is from http://astrology-numerology.com/. You can find directions there to prepare your own chart, or you can purchase a full reading through the website.

Domino suggested to me that a person can lose oneself in addiction, and recovery can be difficult if one does not know the true self. I know I need somthing to strive towards, something a little more tangible than “recovering alcoholic.” Astrology can help one to determine the true characteristics of the self.

I completely lost myself in my addiction. I missed out on a whole decade of my life, a decade where one comes to terms with the self. My twenties were turbulent, to say the least, and I couldn’t be happier to be in my thirties today. But I feel like I missed the part of finding out who I really am. I know who my drunk self is, but who is the sober version of me?

After 50 days of sobriety, a lot of reading, and a lot of self-reflection, some of my true self has come back to me. But, I’m still confused sometimes, and I’m still looking for the person I am supposed to be. I have to close the door on my old self to move forward, but it’s hard when I don’t know in which direction to move. Astrology can be useful as a tool to help find the self, as some believe the personality (or self) is determined at the moment of birth. I’m not sure how much I believe it, but a lot of it is dead-on. At least I can see a baseline of characteristics I was born to develop, and perhaps some of those left out can be attributed to the drunk self. I know I am a completely different person when I am drunk, a person I do not like. Perhaps this will allow me to come to terms with my self a little more, and I can learn to like myself for who I was born to be.

I never knew if I was a Gemini or a Cancer before, as my birthday lies on the cusp. But I now know that I am a Cancer. According to the website, “The nature of your Sun sign is your true colors that you display to the world day in and day out.”

Sun Sign: Cancer (from astrology-numerology.com)

“People with this Sun sign are sometimes also called “Moon Children,” because the Moon is the ruler of the sign.

In Cancer the Sun is receptive and moody. You are a very sensitive person who is easily influenced by your environment. You are likely to be exceedingly protective of your feelings, as well as the feelings of those to whom you are close. Emotions are strong in your nature. You approach life with many feelings and a strong nurturing tendency. Your moods are varied and changeable. They are synchronized to the Moon, flowing in and out like the tide. You are acutely aware of the atmosphere of feelings surrounding you. You’re skeptical and distrustful of people. It’s not what they say, but simply the way they say it and the way you interpret their meaning.”

Moody, sensitive, protective, emotional, nurturing, aware, skeptical and distrustful. Those might be keywords that my family might choose to describe me. It’s funny how it says that my moods are synchronized to the Moon, as I definitely feel that, in more ways than one. It looks like the moodiness is here to stay, so I will have to learn to adapt a little better. I also need to learn to trust people again, which can be a little difficult.

 

“You need to tell your deepest thoughts. When those around you are not receptive, you can become quite difficult to reach. The “crabby” part of Cancer shows up once in awhile, as well. When these moods are in control of your behavior, you can snap someone’s head off for no reason at all. People you live around have to learn that you are not really angry with them. This is just the way Moon children are sometimes. By nature you are quiet and somewhat reserved, frequently retreating or putting up a protective barrier when you feel in any way threatened. “

I do have a need for people to see me as I really am, to hear my deepest thoughts. I have also been known to retreat behind a protective barrier. I am also quiet and reserved, but my moods can change quickly.  I am learning to control my emotions.

“You are attuned to the past. You tend to cling to reminders and memorabilia of your family and of earlier times. Many Cancers are attracted to collecting antiques. You may be one of those people who collects just about everything. It’s hard for you to part with something when there may be a chance need some rainy day, no matter how remote that chance may be. Cancers are the original “pack-rats.” “

I collect books, I have a lot of pens/pencils, but I have learned that clutter brings me anxiety, so I keep my living space uncluttered. I am also very nostalgic. I have a couple of bins full of old stuff from my past, and a t-shirt that once belonged to my father. None of this will ever be thrown out.

 

“You place much importance on the home and family. Your family or your “family of friends” is the center of your life. They provide you your sense of security and belonging. Your role in this environment is the source of your self-esteem and often overshadow your sense of individuality. It’s hard to break away from your early upbringing and depart from the family traditions you have experienced. Cancer is the sign of motherhood. In both sexes, it produces a parenting instinct that is caring, protective, and indulging. Even unmarried Cancers adopt friends, co-workers, and neighbors in an extended family situation. “

I have always had few friends, but good friends. My family is not stable, so I always chose friends to keep me grounded. Unfortunately, the alcoholism allowed me to make poor choices in friends, and I got burned a few times. Hopefully I can eventually develop friendships that are more stable as time goes on.

 

“Hardworking and dedicated, you make an excellent employee. You are loyal and respect authority. This makes you supportive and protective of the boss and rarely questioning company policy. You do find it very difficult to handle change and disruption. If you are the boss, you like your employees to be dedicated as you are. Unfortunately, sometimes you may surround yourself with “yes men” who simply reinforce your decisions. You don’t take chances or risk sweeping change. “

This I don’t agree with. I don’t respect authority and I always question company policy. But maybe I just haven’t found the right company yet.

 

“Money is very important to you. Not for what it will buy or for the freedom it provides, but for the sense of security it provides. No matter what else is to be said of Cancer, security and having the protective shell in place, is overriding. “

Security is very important to me. I feel up in the air unless I am secure.

So, I am a crabby Cancer – moody, sensitive, protective and nurturing. I realize it is all very general, but it does describe a lot of my personality characteristics. While I was still in the midst of my alcoholism, there were times I thought I was crazy, bipolar or had borderline personality disorder. I spent entirely too much time surfing the internet looking for what was wrong with me, all before I spent the night out at a bar. I thought I was inherently flawed, and I’m working towards changing that perception. Drinking enhances all of my worst characteristics, and I can see how the moodiness and sensitivity multiplied by the number of beers I had could make me feel out of my mind. The point is that I have to love myself for who I am today, exactly as I am today. I am learning to forgive myself, so I can move forward. All love begins with self-love, and I feel it a little more today than I did yesterday.

It’s amazing how the mind clears as I move farther away from my last drink. Open up the mind and the heart soon follows – it’s all about living in reality. I’m grateful for the opportunity to find my true self. Some never get to this place, and I’m glad to be here.