melind4

My name is Melinda, and I am an alcoholic. I’m in my early thirties and I live in the Southwestern US. I’m working hard to just be a better person than I was yesterday. I’m grateful to be young, energetic, and healthy.

I have another blog on wordpress that details my struggle with recovering from alcoholism. There are posts on that blog from before I started my recovery. There’s a definite sickness of mind that bleeds through those posts. They actually make me sick — I can’t read a lot of them. Some tell me they are funny, but I don’t see the humor — I was in a dark place that I had to scratch my way out of. That’s what I see, and those emotions come right back when I am reminded of them. It reminds me how easy it would be to go back to that place. But I don’t want to delete or unpublish them because they were a part of my struggle. On that blog, I recorded my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts as I experienced them. They are very raw and honest.

I am eternally grateful to have been connected to other recovering alcoholics/addicts through that blog — they share their thoughts and encouragement, and that has allowed me to get to where I am today. Like most alcoholics, I have issues with self-esteem, with letting go of my past, with seeking instant gratification, and with depression and anxiety. These are the things I am working through now. The emotions are powerful, and it’s not easy to face them. But the tears are somehow healing, and it feels good to be on a better path.

Today marks my 50th day of sobriety. I went through a few relapses to get to this point, and I honestly have no intention of drinking ever again. I was unsure of that before. I don’t know if I will ever drink again, but I know I won’t today.

I’m not a part of any 12-step program, but I do crave the support of others at times. I’m grateful to AA for helping me get to the point I am at today, and I might go back at some point for the friendship and support. I gave up all my friends when I quit drinking, and it’s hard to make new friends in Las Vegas who don’t drink often, and I just can’t be around any drinking right now. I’m not close with my family, have no friends to lean on, and it’s hard to make new friends. I haven’t told anyone in my real life that I have a problem with alcohol. I’ve told some people at work that I gave up alcohol for the summer, just to focus on my health. But, of course, it’s a lot more serious than that. Again, I’m grateful to the other wordpress bloggers for providing me with much-needed support and comfort when I needed it most. Just the fact that somebody, somewhere out there was pulling for me made all the difference. I’m still amazed that the positive thoughts of complete strangers out there are so powerful. It took me awhile to take in all the compassion that was shown to me, but one day I just opened up and felt the love.

A big part of the reason I stopped going to 12-step meetings was that I don’t believe in God. My faith is very personal. I believe there’s something out there acting as conductor of all the forces that pull us in all directions, but I don’t think the Bible has anything to do with it. The best way I can describe it is as the Universe. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I don’t always know what those reasons are. I have been reading a lot of self-help books lately, just trying to find my way. I have been drawn more to Buddhism, although I wouldn’t call myself a Buddhist. But I like the mindfulness, living in the present moment, living in reality, and the perspective on love, loss, attachments, and suffering. I’m just trying to live in reality, live in the present moment, but it is difficult. Being an alcoholic for 12+ years has allowed me to avoid my reality and emotions for a long time. It takes awhile to work through it all. And it’s all a thinking problem — my thinking, my reactions, my avoidance, my seeking out co-dependent relationships have all allowed me to live that lifestyle. The thinking problem I’ve had my entire life. But no more, I can’t go back.

I decided to be an adult on my 32nd birthday, which was last week. That may seem a little late to some, but there are many who never make this choice. I left a 7-year relationship at the beginning of the year, which, at the time, was extremely difficult. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. We drank all the time, a typical co-dependent relationship. I was sad, I was angry, and now I have accepted that the relationship was not good for either of us. I missed the friend I had for awhile, but too much of that friendship centered around alcohol. I’m grateful to be living alone, to only have to worry about myself. I would have thought that was selfish before, but improving myself makes the world a better place. I’ve got a lot of smiles to go around.

I started a new job in February, and it ’s only 40 hours a week, low-stress, and allows me to focus my excess energy on my recovery. I’m grateful for that. So while losing my previous job and losing my ex may have seemed devastating at the time, my alcoholic thinking didn’t allow me to see these new opportunities. I’m grateful for the whole process.

I’m using my 50th day of sobriety as a symbol of the beginning of my real recovery. I see that it has nothing to do with alcohol, it’s all about how I see my place in the world. Alcohol is just the poison I used to hang on to my delusions. I find my mind clearing still, and I think I have a long  journey ahead of me. I hope to use this blog to more thoughtfully discuss my take on recovery and whatever roadblocks I stumble over along the path.