Article: Are You Addicted to Doomed Relationships? January 23, 2012

For the answer, every one of us has to first look at ourselves. The experiences that make us who we are also influence who we choose as a partner. While most of us claim to be looking for true love, with real compatibility, and no drama, there are often unconscious influences, thoughts and behaviors leading us to just the opposite. One influential factor is that many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to not be all that desirable. People seek what is familiar. If our past was filled with feelings of rejection or inadequacy, we are drawn to scenarios in which we feel the same way as adults.

Often, we select partners who reinforce deep-seated critical views we have of ourselves. For example, a person who had a parent who was emotionally unavailable or who was inconsistent in offering them warmth and affection, they may think of themselves as unlovable on a basic level. As an adult, they may be initially attracted to someone whose attention makes them feel good about themselves, but eventually, they start to notice that their partner is resistant to getting close and can be disregarding. Even as they are tormented by feelings of rejection, they usually fail to realize that the very reason they were so drawn to this person may be because they sensed that they support those all-to-familiar feelings of being inadequate and undeserving.

People who find themselves on the other side of this scenario, feeling trapped or clung to by their partner, may want to consider how much they were intruded on as kids. Did they have a parent or caretaker who was overbearing and imposed on them for attention or reassurance? Are they now reacting (or overreacting) to their partner, because he or she is looking to them for similar qualities?

While we aim to find partners who complement us in a positive way, we are often compelled to find people whose opposing traits can rouse negative dynamics between us. For example, how many couples do we know, where one person does the talking, and the other stays quiet? While one person tells the stories and attracts attention, the other acts as a listener and falls into the background.

A married man I know once told me a story about how he and his wife had mutually acknowledged that, in the course of their relationship, he had become very passive and she very controlling. He refused to make any decisions, and she insisted on making all decisions. As an exercise, they decided that for a week he would make every decision, and she would go along with it. The very first night, they got in the car to go out to dinner, and as soon as they got to the driveway, the husband hit the brakes and the car came to halt. He found himself literally paralyzed, as he waited for his wife to tell him which way to turn.

Instances like these are indicative of a larger problem for couples. We frequently choose people we can depend on to fill out our personalities, then resent them for the very traits that make them our “other half.” The wife in the above scenario resented her husband for being weak and indecisive, yet she refused to give up control. Her husband felt victimized by her demanding patterns but refused to voice his opinions. Their dependency left them addicted to each other.

When we choose partners who complement us positively, we step out of our comfort zones, forcing ourselves outside our own heads and into an interaction with someone unfamiliar. The scenario of getting to know a stranger forces us to push ourselves, to be our best selves, and to treat the other person with respect and interest. Because of this discomfort, we run the risk of eventually distorting them or provoking them to become someone who we are less compatible with.

As we get closer, our defenses start to arise. We start to feel more vulnerable, and influences from our past start to seep in. We must be wary in this stage in a relationship of how we can distort our partners. We may start to insert hidden meaning into their words to suit a way we feel about ourselves. We may start to project qualities onto them or exaggerate characteristics they possess.

For example, a friend of mine recently told me how upset she was when her husband wouldn’t commit to going away for the weekend. Having just returned from a business trip, he thought it would be nice to have time at home alone with her. She instantly interpreted his resistance as a rejection. What she came to realize in the course of our conversation was that, while her husband did have trouble committing to certain plans, he had every intention and desire to spend the entire weekend with her, a reality that clearly contradicted her assumption that he was rejecting her.

In addition to distorting our partners, we sometimes provoke them into giving us a specific response. For example, the friend who wanted to go on a weekend getaway recognized that, although her husband preferred to live more spontaneously and not spend too much time on practicalities, she would often insist on talking to him about travel plans, home renovations, and financial matters well in advance of when was necessary. She admitted that she didn’t even care all that much about these things; it was as though she was compelled to push her husband away by bringing up topics that would distance him from her. By “nagging” at him, not only was she preventing more personal and meaningful interactions between them, but she was provoking him to lose interest in certain activities, which then made her feel critical of him.

When dealing with our addiction to having a bad relationship, we must always be aware of how we select, provoke, and distort our partners to fill roles that recreate our past. The better we understand ourselves, the better able we are to choose partners who support us just as we support them, as the unique, complex, and independent individuals we are. We can then interrupt our compulsion to alter the relationship by misinterpreting our partners’ actions to fit an old feeling about ourselves. We can also resist the temptation to provoke our partners into acting out in ways that hurt us and them, and naturally, the relationship. By remaining aware and not engaging in these destructive behaviors, we can break our addiction to repeating our past in our life today and develop relationships that are lasting long and making us happy.

Read more from Dr. Lisa Firestone on relationships at PsychAlive.org

the quiet observer January 22, 2012

went for a walk along the bonanza trail. the trail starts at the park across the street, goes along the parkway, and then loops around a park of soccer fields and tennis courts– at least that’s as far as i’ve made it.

there was a terrible accident on the parkway as i passed by — many paramedics and other emergency vehicles, sirens screaming at sedentary cars apparently frozen by the spectacle. every moment counts in this life.

sometimes i think that people like me, the quiet observers, were put here to see the beauty in the ordinary, to transform the macabre into delight, and to make sure that there are a few extra moments of whimsy to enjoy.

i was listening to classical indian flute music, which sometimes clears my mind, but on this night, my mind was playing with words, composing haiku:

the pheromones of

dissimilar dna

drive me fucking wild

although, technically not a haiku for nary a seasonal implication.

i was also thinking that there would be more whimsy in the world if words like nary were used in casual conversation more often.

i shall post the haiku as a separate poetic interlude, although i must mention that the hormonal nature of the verse conicides with my hormonal cycle, along with a spike in my argumentativeness, depth of emotion, and a physical heaviness.

well that’s that then January 22, 2012

well, the weather has thwarted my attempt to become an avid hiker, at least for this weekend. plus, I injured my knee on my second hike last weekend, and it’s still healing. rock scrambling presents many opportunities for minor injuries, and i’m lucky i survived with only one. it was fun pushing my limits though.

i went searching for some gear this weekend, and found that there are many opportunities to spend a lot of money for minor hiking gear, and all i wanted was a proper backpack. but have no fear, for the local sporting goods store is having it’s annual “garage sale” soon, in which returned and damaged items are sold at a marked discount. that’s more like my kind of shopping.

i spent some more time with a guy who befriended me on the online dating site. he’s interesting to talk with, and he’s intelligent, but i think i figured out why there’s no spark — he doesn’t challenge me at all. i like spending time with people who, if we’re not just having a lot of fun, can challenge my thoughts and ideas. he doesn’t, and i think i will soon be bored of his company. he’s still a nice guy, but that’s not enough for me. i’ll just have to continue to challenge my own thinking.

on another note, i think i went through all the available men in my local area, because the site is now suggesting people to me who live out of the area. well, that’s that then.

work is terrible. limited social life. but life is still good. none of it is for lack of trying to encourage change, it’s just a little out of my hands at this point. socially, i’m really just not into the same things that a lot of people are into, and i’m not going to pretend to be different just to fit it.  i just happen to live in a town that is ass-backwards culturally, and it’s only declined in the 14 years i’ve lived here. everyone with any interest in the art, beauty, joyfulness, culture of a real community moves on, and i should have taken that cue long ago. most who love this place have never known elsewhere, but that’s really just a classic “big fish” response. sure, if i’m the most artistic, cultured person on the block, i feel special, but i can never be challenged, and that’s what’s missing here.

the weather should be amenable to hiking in the next few months, and hopefully in that time i’ll be farther along in my attempt to move by the time the weather turns this valley into an oven. onwards, my friends, onwards.

well then. that’s that then.

misdirected love January 18, 2012

well, that was some night. i went on a “date” last night with someone from an online dating site. he’s too young, and there’s no chemistry, but i enjoy his company. he’s intelligent and easy to talk to. i made it clear that i’m only interested in friendship, so there should be no misunderstanding. he keeps telling me that i make him feel comfortable and i’m easy to talk to, and that made me think of when i was younger — i used to get these nerdy guys kinda following me around. they weren’t used to a decent looking girl being easy to talk to or cracking jokes like i do, and they mistook it for something more than it was. i happen to be pretty laid back, pretty intelligent, pretty tolerant, and i can wrap my head around most things if i want to.

well, back to last night and my little mental breakdown. it actually goes a couple of days back, when i met up with the guy i was formerly dating. the one who i let get to me. stupid me. i was hoping i would think he wasn’t cute anymore, wasn’t smart, wasn’t sweet, but he was just the same as he was before. (asshole). the same sweet guy who broke my heart with a text message. the same sweet guy who bailed at the first hint of imperfection. the same sweet guy who wanted my heart and not my body, but tossed them both aside.

last night, after a perfectly nice date with no chemistry whatsoever, all i could think about was that i still wanted to kiss the other guy. after he broke my heart and all, i still wanted to kiss him. i still wanted to hold his hand. so, last night, i felt the loss again. i was angry with myself for feeling this way, and hurt for what i lost. i don’t know if there’s a friendship to salvage out of all of this, but it must be worth something. the thing is, i understand why he split. he lives behind this wall, a man with many friends but no companions, simple yet complicated, a man whose life is safe, a man whose eyes gloss over when challenged, a man scared to be hurt. i am not the safest choice, the easy choice. i challenge perceptions, i expect emotional openness and understanding, and i know the only way to live is to open yourself up to suffering.

so, a simple dinner date with a safe choice turned me down an unexpected path of hurt an anger. misdirected love. he told me that 90% of our relationship was good, and 10% not so good. that’s a really good ratio, but he just didn’t want to work through that 10%. i guess that’s the part that hurts.

so, friendship. the hardest friendship i have ever attempted. time to meditate. time to have compassion for myself. why is that always the hardest part?

misdirected anger January 17, 2012

this is me banging my head against the wall, or whatever else seems like misdirected anger.

—-

i just don’t know why everything has to be so hard. no matter what i do, i fuck everything up. everything gets fucked up, and i’m starting to wonder, again, why i keep trying. it’s never going to be ok.

i’m sorry that i’m sensitive, i’m sorry that i’m smart, i’m sorry that i feel things.

i want to scream, i want to just curl up in the corner and hope not to wake up.

i try to connect with people, but i only find the ones who somehow cannot connect. they use me, then toss me aside. fuck that.fuck. i don’t understand how people can be so cold, nor why i’m so stupid to fall for it.

fuck.

it’s never going to be ok, and no one is really ever going to care. i’m not sure how to accept that.

there seems to be so much love in the world, i just don’t know why i can’t find a little. it’s really hard to be alone in this world.

the good night January 14, 2012

the goodnight (yet to be edited as well)

After the coffee place closed, they headed to a nearby restaurant, to officially turn this meeting of online souls into a date. She was still nervous, but so was he. There was blatant sexual chemistry; she wondered if she could be lucky enough to have met a match on the first try. After a the late dinner, the lights in the restaurant were dimmed — time to go home. SHe didn;t want this meeting to end, afraid that the glow of the potential love connection would fade in the light of reality.

They slowly walked to the parking lot, and she was completely aware of the pending awkwardness of saying goodnight. Would there be a kiss? What would it be like? I wonder what his lips taste like. What if he doesn’t know how to kiss? What if I don’t remember how to kiss?

There was some brief, awkward chit chat, annd she was still steaming with anxious energy. She wanted him to take her in his arms and kiss her, like one of those kisses in an old black and white movie. She wanted to feel her knees buckle, she wanted to get lost in his scent.

He prided himself on chivalry, and in consideration for her anxious energy and discussions they had on the topic, he asked if he could kiss her goodnight. She nodded yes, and when he didn’t lean in to kiss her, she leaned in to him. Her eyes closed and her heart skipped a beat when he held the sides of her face in his hands. She wanted to lose herself in the moment, but when she felt his tongue in her mouth, the anxious energy exploded, and she pulled away. She wanted to kiss him again, but instead fumbled for her keys, and fumbled for the door handle of her car. They said goodnight and made plans to meet again in a couple of days.

She noticed that they headed in the same direction after leaving the parking lot, all the way to Washington Avenue. They parted ways when she turned right, and he left.

Until Saturday, then.

choose your own reality January 8, 2012

i strongly believe that i create my own reality. or rather, i choose which reality in which to exist, as there are many. i don’t mean this in some sort of existential, quantum mechanics, “the secret” kind of way, but in a grounded way. i suppose it’s all the same anyways.

i have lived in a few different realities, or periods of my life.

i would say the first was up until i was about 19 years old and sexually assaulted. not sure what actually happened, but something was taken from me that night, and i didn;t know how to react. not too long afterwards, my father passed away, rather suddenly. all my security was taken from me.

my security came from a bottle for about 13 years after that. i had already been abusing alcohol since i was about 18 years old, but i drowned in it after that, not wanting to live in the reality that hurt so much. i also didn’t know i was suffering from severe depression either. i wouldn’t let myself really feel that either.

when i was 31, i couldn’t hold the illusion together anymore, and pretty much abandoned the life i had made for myself. not that it was so great or anything, but it was mine. that;s when i realized just how much i was being controlled by my compulsion for alcohol, and i couldn’t stop even when i wanted to. that was the scariest realization of my life so far. it took awhile to stop, but i eventually did, about 17 months back. and that’s when the realities began to merge. the unmedicated depression was a weight i couldn’t carry, but i made it through with lots of help. 

so that’s where i am today. a chakra healing meditation to close out the day, whirling wheels of light. i feel cleansed, but there is also something squirming around at the back of my mind. i can’t quite grasp it, but i know it has to do with branching out and meeting new people, new friends, new love interests. the social anxiety makes that difficult, but i get through it. i’m meeting a new friend for tea on thursday, and maybe an old one on the weekend.

and there you have it. that squirming energy. the old friend is the one who drew me into a whirlwind romance and then cast me aside. i take responsibility in that i wanted it too, and i fell right into it. i shouldn’t have let that happen. but, it did, and now an attempt at friendship. but what if i don’t think that’s possible. what if i think the connection was all lust and nothing more? ok, there was companionship, but no meeting of the minds, just bodies. so why friendship? i’m not sure anymore. a friend told me to have compassion for the person he is, to feel where he is coming from, and that’s what i responded to. 

i remember being stuck and not even considering it. i see a lot of people like that, and i have compassion for that. 

i’ve never been more grateful to be an alcoholic, to see the places i was stuck, and to see the places i am stuck now.

losing my train of thought.

i will always be defensive when it comes to women being exploited for their sexuality. whether it be prostitution, pornography, stripping…. it just feeds into the illness of society in which women are assaulted. and i don’t want to change that defensiveness, because i’m grateful to see it, to react to it, to feel it. it is one of  the more disgusting aspects of society.

a comparison… people who eat meat and other products of the industrialized food system ignore where their food comes from, even if they have been directly educated on the facts. why — convenience? pleasure? ignoring something that shakes their foundations?

diffusing…

classical indian flutes. beautiful. thought provoking. a delicious cabbage stew.

choose your own reality… this is how it all pulls together. we choose what to see, what not to see. which reality do i live in now? what do i choose to see, and what do i choose to ignore?

 chakras… heart and throat need work.

hiking, anyone? January 2, 2012

Been sick for over a week. I am thoroughly doused in antibiotics and antihistamines, hoping to finally snuff it out. I also had this past week off of work, which was supposed to be a time to get things in order, to de-clutter my easily-cluttered life. But I was easily exhausted, and didn’t get everything done as planned.

I did get together about 5 bags of clothes and donated them to goodwill.

I started an herb garden on my patio (not sure if that will work — have some seeds starting inside, and some outside. it’s a mild winter here). I have most of the fixins for a winter vegetable garden, but will wait to see how the herbs do, and also for a book on container gardens to arrive.

I went to the Springs Preserve, which I wanted to do more of, but was thoroughly tired after walking around for a couple of hours.

I bought a couple books on local hiking trails. I wish it weren’t dangerous to go alone, but I am not familiar with the desert wildlife and I dehydrate easily. But at least I have the Springs Preserve, plus I can check out Tule Springs next weekend — their farmer’s market starts up again. I meant to go last year, but never made it. I’m trying to avoid doing things alone, but right now, the alternative seems to be not doing things at all, and I don’t want that either.

I don’t want to make the mistakes I made in my last “romance,” but I also don’t want to shut myself off. So what’s a girl to do? I try to make it clear that I just want casual dating or friendships. Maybe, eventually, I’ll find someone I can go hiking with, but that will take some time. The “murdering women in the desert”- archetype is just too obvious to be overlooked at this point.

So, I’ve mostly been stuck inside for the past week or so, after being cut off by a lover and then having to spend time with my family in close quarters. It’s basically mental torture for someone like me. It’s hard when the mind is active but the body is exhausted. It differs from depression in that the mind is still positive — I just have to reel it in from thinking too much.

All of this amounts to a whirling of yin energy, lifting me up to the sky, spinning me around, barely contained. I need to feel grounded again — perhaps that’s the interest in hiking and growing food. It brings me back to the earth, literally. It’s a natural balance.

I’ve been reading more about reconciliation with the inner child, from a buddhist perspective. I did a lot in this area about a year or two ago, but had to step away. Maybe it’s time I go back, and try to heal a little more. That is how healing works, isn’t it — you can only do a little bit at a time, baby steps. I’ve been doing these heart meditations which seem to open up something joyous in me. Perhaps in finding this pathway to joy, I can learn to be mindful of the pain of the child.

Namaste. Back to work tomorrow, assuming these antibiotics start doing their job. It’s hard to see the good in that environment, but I will try. I’m starting to think I should just find a completely different profession, one that allows me to build up connections with people. BUt I’m still attached to the paycheck. I know it’s something I will have to let go of soon.

search for meaning December 31, 2011

Well, it’s the last day of the year, and again I am searching for meaning in recent events. I feel this strong pull towards the fact that the meaning is in the experiencing… that is, the happening is the meaning.

I seemed to gain an acceptance of myself that I didn’t have before. I love myself for my flaws and my talents, and all my humanity. It’s not the fact that I’m smart or funny or not bad to look at that makes me interesting — it’s how I take my experience and bring compassion into the world. It’s all about opening up my heart and connecting with others, isn’t it? I’ve had this extended period of retraction, but it’s time for expansion. I’ve found a few safe places to expand, and although I have been reminded how I can get hurt by doing so, I think it’s all worth it. I just have to step back and see the good, the opportunity.

I’ve learned how the search for meaning, for explanation, can be counter-productive. The problem is that the observer’s perspective, all the observer’s hopes and fears, is imprinted on the meaning. The universe, my unconscious mind, only lets me see what I can understand, what I am ready to see, sometimes only what I want to see. So any search for meaning will be colored and limited by my experience, my hopes, my dreams.

Now I’m just getting too philosophical… anyways, my point is that I just need to live, to love, to hurt, to laugh, to dream, and relate to others with compassion.

let’s try this post again…tis the season December 26, 2011

It’s nice to know that I can make a mistake and dust myself off to make another and another. The recovering alcoholics out there will be glad to know that the thought of drinking — just one drink or getting completely wasted (yes, i know, same thing for me) — never crossed my mind. It floated in the periphery of my consciousness for awhile, but I just watched it float right by. Thank you, meditation. Thank you , thank you , thank you.

The present moment — the concept that allowed me to get a firm grasp on sobriety. I am continuously distracted from the present moment, some times yanked away harder than others. But I always seem to find my way back to the place where life is actually lived. It is such a better place from which to live, to base my operations, and I’ll always be grateful for that revelation.

Oftentimes there are themes that seem to color my world. The ones splashed across my horizon lately are: 1. life as a performance, and 2. reclusiveness. They show up everywhere — in my personal life, in my professional life, in books, in movies. They show up separately, but I know I have to put them together and find a happy medium. Let me explain:

LIfe as a performance: Some people live life as it were a performance, as if they were characters acting out a script. But the problem with that is that they will never be in the present moment. If you have the lines memorized, the reactions of others scripted, well, that’s not really living. Living as a drunk for half my life, I was constantly performing. I was either performing as the drunk or trying to be the girl whom others find socially acceptable.  I am convinced that all those who suffer from addiction come from families of extreme dysfunction. Mine is no exception.  We are taught that the illusion of a “happy family” is the most important thing, and we play the roles that are handed to us. My family members have made it clear that they choose to live with this dysfunction, and have no intention of healing. So in order to be around them, I have to pretend that’s ok. Well, at least I cannot react to the blatant displays of dysfunction that are performed  in front of me. I learned to breathe around them a little more, and take a deep exhale when I leave.

Reclusiveness: This describes my personal life. I have been holding back my heart and my spirit, my mind and my body, from others. In other words, I haven’t been putting myself out there. Recovery is definitely a period of retraction, where we go inward to take stock of what is still there and learn how to heal. That describes my past few years, but it’s time I opened up. I used to be terrified that my heart and spirit might just shatter, but now I know differently. I put myself out there, got knocked down a little, and I’m actually stronger for it. I can breathe a little deeper because my heart opened up a little. That feels amazing.

Happy Medium: So what is the happy medium? Well, I’m still trying to figure that out, but it’s somewhere in between. We work so hard at creating the worlds we live in, carving out the boundaries, that sometimes we can forget there is a whole universe out there — some of it bad, some of it good, but all of it living.

I am moody, emotional, have a kind heart, an loving soul, and will always extend a hand to help others. I over-analyze things, but that also makes me thoughtful. I cherish the highs, get through the lows, and mostly live in between. It feels good to feel that spark of humanity again. I like myself as I am today, I am a fluid being, constantly changing, adapting to the world outside. The amazing part is when the world inside expands to embrace the love from the outside.

Tis the season for renewal of body and mind, for finding new connections to nourish the spirit.

note to self December 26, 2011

write posts offline in a text editor, save to hard drive, then cut and past into wordpress.

just spent the last 2 hours writing a post only to have it disappear because i was logged off the wireless network at the hotel when i hit the publish button. it was a good one too.

dumped by text message December 23, 2011

well, yesterday afternoon i got dumped by text message — a first for me for 2 reasons: 1. i’ve never actually been dumped before, and 2. the whole text message thing, of course. that was a little harsh. wickedly harsh, actually.

i met the guy on an online dating site, and i could pick him apart if i wanted to, but that’s not the point. the point is, what did i learn about myself in this month-long whirlwind romance? yes, he broke my heart after only a month (see #6 below).

1. i attract/am attracted to men who think they need to save me.

2. i attract/am attracted to men who seem strong and stable on the outside, but that’s really a false exterior. they’re always hiding something, and never want to let me in.

3. i’ve still got mojo.

4. sex as a sober person isn’t nearly as terrifying as i thought it might be. it was fun. nothing earth-shattering, but fun.

5. i (still) love making out.

6. connections between people have to be nurtured slowly — anything that happens too fast likely won’t have a stable foundation.

7. i need to trust my instincts about red flags that come up. i have good instincts.

8. i can handle being dumped. just needed to grieve for a day or two, then move on. the reset button has been depressed.

9. i have some good friends, whom i cherish and love, and will always be grateful for that. too bad they don’t live where i live.

10. my biggest issue with men is: boundaries. i set the boundaries at first, but then i push at them, push, push push. not good.

so that’s 10 things i learned about myself in the past month. i also had a lot of fun, opened up to someone, lost 10 pounds, and came out of it with a renewed sense of being ok with myself. i don’t need a man in my life, but i sure had fun. i’ve got a couple friends to hang out with, and that’s all i need. i put my profile back up on the dating site, and after my heart recovers, i’ll check my inbox to see who sent me real messages. maybe there will be someone interesting in there.

one last comment — i was angry with the guy for about 5 minutes for breaking up with me like that, but i can see where he deserves a little compassion. i’ll remember the good parts, like sleeping in on the weekends, making out on the couch, our walk out by the lake, and feeling good in his arms, holding his hand, all that kind of stuff. we were good like that, but not so good at other stuff. i’ll remember the good stuff, keep to myself for awhile, and try again.

old behavior patterns December 3, 2011

something amazing has happened in the last couple of weeks. i met the sweetest man, and i’m falling in love with him. i chose those last words carefully, because i have a tendency to lose myself in all the feel-good brain chemistry, including love, but there are no other words to describe what’s happening. yes, i know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but we’ve spent so much time together, and the more i get to know him, the more i want to lose myself in his arms, to get lost in his kiss.

we have this great open communication thing going on, because that’s what we both need, and i wouldn’t have it any other way. for lack of a better word, it’s perfect. i’ve shared pretty much everything about myself, which happens to include a lot of negative stuff, and he just sees the strength behind it. on our first date, i was extremely anxious because i haven’t put myself out there for a long time — i have pretty much been keeping my heart and soul protected because i had to build them back up before i was able to share them with anyone. but we talked about it, and he tried his best to make me feel better. that sweetness touched my heart in the first 5 minutes. we have since gotten better acquainted, but it’s still only been a couple of weeks. the anxiety is gone around him, but i still have the social anxiety in general.

last night, we went out and i met some of his friends. the anxiety was high, and it was compounded with a stressful day at work. i tried to decompress, but i was still carrying some of it around. the social anxiety is basically this — i think people think i am stupid. i know it’s irrational, and i know i am completely on the opposite side of the spectrum from stupid, but it’s a thought that’s been ingrained in my psyche since early childhood, and it just takes time to work through it. even if the anxiety’s still high, at least i have a high awareness of what’s happening, and deep down inside i know it’s just an irrational thought. and really, once people get to know me, most of them like me. i know that too. but anyways, back to last night. i’m not much of a talker in social situations, so i pretty much took up the “staring off into the distance so no one will make eye contact with me and expect me to say something” role while he chatted with his friends. i did run into a woman from AA, which was awkward for me, especially since i didn’t remember her name. at least that’s better than running into men i’ve fucked but don’t remember — that used to happen a lot. i’ll take AA people any day over that.

so we talked about the anxiety, and he understood, saying that i masked it well. we talked about other stuff as well. i know i am falling for this guy, but there is still a lingering uneasiness that i have been unable to identify, until today. he spent the night (just sleeping) and left early for work. i had an appointment with my trainer at 10, and after pushing through a multitude of excuses trying to wriggle my way out of it, i finally made it. i didn’t eat breakfast, so i was run down easily, plus it’s been very windy which affects my sinuses. i only lasted 50 minutes, but i pushed myself pretty hard. then i came home and had a little emotional breakdown. i guess it just takes time for me to realize what emotions i am feeling and what thoughts they stem from sometimes.

the uneasiness i feel is just the same old shit. i am trying to figure out what is wrong with this guy to allow him to fall for me. but i can’t find anything. he’s amazing. and it’s amazing that we found each other. it’s so hard for to accept the good things that come along, because there haven’t been too many these past 20 years or so. so, if the computer were my therapist, she would ask — but you’ve made so many positive changes, you’ve worked so hard for this, don’t you think you deserve it? and i so desperately want to say yes, but there’s still that part of me that tells me i deserved all the bad things that happened to me, because there is just some fundamental flaw in my makeup that makes me unloveable and less than human.

these are all the familiar self-deprecating thoughts that lead down the path of self-destruction. there’s nothing new here except the addition of an amazing man who sees the good in me. don’t get me wrong, i see the good sometimes too, but sometimes i am blinded to all but the bad.

i think i even tried to sabotage the relationship by being overtly sexual way too early. another familiar behavior pattern, because if i have sex with him, then i convince myself that’s all he wants and that way i can beat myself up more with names like slut and whore. of course, i don’t realize i am doing it at the time, it’s all hindsight.

the thing is, i know this guy is honest and true, one of the good ones, and i don’t want to fuck it up. he knows all about me, and he still likes me, and i couldn’t be more enamored with him. i just hope i’m able to work through these old behavior patterns enough to just be happy and enjoy what i have in life for once. because i realize that i have stumbled upon something great.

all I can say is wow. November 20, 2011

I met a guy through an online dating site, and I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect match. We went on a couple of dates so far, and the chemistry is amazing. To describe him, I would say the following: he’s sweet, sensitive, intuitive, thoughtful, warm, funny, nerdy, smart, tall, handsome, patient, goofy, and although he was a little nervous at times (which was adorable, actually), i sensed that he is a very strong person. he was very sensitive to my needs and my comfort level. and to top it off, i’m pretty sure he was as blown away by me as i was by him.

We’ve gone out on 2 dates so far, and sometimes I can’t believe I really met someone like him. Maybe I just dreamed him up.

The more and more I think about it, the more I come to realize that you really have to be in the right place in your life to meet the right person. It’s like once all is aligned well in the universe, then things just happen. Wow.

I’ve actually already discussed all my major weaknesses with him, and he doesn’t mind. And the way he looks at me… wow.

We started out emailing each other, and I was blown away by his messages. But, then again, I know how a person can come off differently online than they might in person. So I was a practical skeptic. But, wow, he’s amazing.

I don’t really know what else to say. I want to say I think I’m falling in love, but I know I have issues in that arena, so I’ll just try to be engrossed in the experience as it happens. I also told him about my issues with sex, and he says he’s willing to wait. He;s amazing.My heart flutters everytime I think about him, and is it crazy to think he feels the same way about me…

There’s a lot of open communication (even though we’ve only been on 2 dates, they have lasted many hours), and I’m just trying to keep it as real as possible. I never thought I would meet someone like him, but I’m sure glad I tried.