About
Contact: blog.melind4@gmail.com
Visit my previous blog: blu3nude.wordpress.com
This blog just outlived its usefulness. I still write, but somewhere else. Not many people read that one, and I like it that way. It lets me keep it honest. I unpublished many of the posts that were once published on this site, but I left the ones I think may be useful or just have great comments.
I don’t buy into the 12-step method of recovery, but I understand that many people do. Maybe it’s just because I’m not a “real” alcoholic, but I see it as just another escape from reality, masked with god and a program. Just my opinion, anyways. I choose to live with awareness in my daily life, and to face my issues head-on as they are revealed to me. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but it’s what I need to do for my recovery. Sometimes I am happy, though, and that is amazing.
I’m still very lonely, with more acquaintances than friends, and generally no one to talk to in person, but I know that, like everything else, will change eventually. I just have a hard time opening up to people, because I want to be accepted for all of me, the whole person, not just the part that is socially acceptable. There are some amazing people on these blogs, though, and I only wish I could have friends like them someday. I will always be grateful for the kindness and understanding that I found through posting here.
Update: September 10, 2009
4 months of sobriety. I’m not sure if I’m an alcoholic anymore. I know I shouldn’t drink, but not sure if it’s an addiction. As I explore my thoughts and behaviors, I noticed that I am often motivated by a sexual compulsion. Now I’m exploring that aspect of my personality in more depth. It’s a truth that’s hard to face, but I’m thankful for the friends I have made who share their experiences, which are often similar to mine. The truth can be a bitch, but why bother with recovery without honesty?
I’m most grateful for the friendships and understanding I have found in the past few months.
Posted June 27, 2009My name is Melinda, and I am an alcoholic. I’m in my early thirties and I live in the Southwestern US. I’m working hard to just be a better person than I was yesterday. I’m grateful to be young, energetic, and healthy.
I have another blog on wordpress that details my struggle with recovering from alcoholism. There are posts on that blog from before I started my recovery. There’s a definite sickness of mind that bleeds through those posts. They actually make me sick — I can’t read a lot of them. Some tell me they are funny, but I don’t see the humor — I was in a dark place that I had to scratch my way out of. That’s what I see, and those emotions come right back when I am reminded of them. It reminds me how easy it would be to go back to that place. But I don’t want to delete or unpublish them because they were a part of my struggle. On that blog, I recorded my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts as I experienced them. They are very raw and honest.
I am eternally grateful to have been connected to other recovering alcoholics/addicts through that blog — they share their thoughts and encouragement, and that has allowed me to get to where I am today. Like most alcoholics, I have issues with self-esteem, with letting go of my past, with seeking instant gratification, and with depression and anxiety. These are the things I am working through now. The emotions are powerful, and it’s not easy to face them. But the tears are somehow healing, and it feels good to be on a better path.
Today marks my 50th day of sobriety. I went through a few relapses to get to this point, and I honestly have no intention of drinking ever again. I was unsure of that before. I don’t know if I will ever drink again, but I know I won’t today.
I’m not a part of any 12-step program, but I do crave the support of others at times. I’m grateful to AA for helping me get to the point I am at today, and I might go back at some point for the friendship and support. I gave up all my friends when I quit drinking, and it’s hard to make new friends where I live who don’t drink often, and I just can’t be around any drinking right now. I’m not close with my family, have no friends to lean on, and it’s hard to make new friends. I haven’t told anyone in my real life that I have a problem with alcohol. I’ve told some people at work that I gave up alcohol for the summer, just to focus on my health. But, of course, it’s a lot more serious than that. Again, I’m grateful to other bloggers for providing me with much-needed support and comfort when I needed it most. Just the fact that somebody, somewhere out there was pulling for me made all the difference. I’m still amazed that the positive thoughts of complete strangers out there are so powerful. It took me awhile to take in all the compassion that was shown to me, but one day I just opened up and felt the love.
A big part of the reason I stopped going to 12-step meetings was that I don’t believe in God. My faith is very personal. There’s something I can connect to, but I don’t think the Bible has anything to do with it. The best way I can describe it is as the Universe. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I don’t always know what those reasons are. I have been reading a lot of self-help books lately, just trying to find my way. I have been drawn more to Buddhism, although I wouldn’t call myself a Buddhist. But I like the mindfulness, living in the present moment, living in reality, and the perspective on love, loss, attachments, and suffering. I’m just trying to live in reality, live in the present moment, but it is difficult. Being an alcoholic for 12+ years has allowed me to avoid my reality and emotions for a long time. It takes awhile to work through it all. And it’s all a thinking problem — my thinking, my reactions, my avoidance, my seeking out co-dependent relationships have all allowed me to live that lifestyle. The thinking problem I’ve had my entire life. But no more, I can’t go back.
I decided to be an adult on my 32nd birthday, which was last week. That may seem a little late to some, but there are many who never make this choice. I left a 7-year relationship at the beginning of the year, which, at the time, was extremely difficult. But I just couldn’t take it anymore. We drank all the time, a typical co-dependent relationship. I was sad, I was angry, and now I have accepted that the relationship was not good for either of us. I missed the friend I had for awhile, but too much of that friendship centered around alcohol. I’m grateful to be living alone, to only have to worry about myself. I would have thought that was selfish before, but improving myself makes the world a better place. I’ve got a lot of smiles to go around.
I started a new job in February, and it ’s only 40 hours a week, low-stress, and allows me to focus my excess energy on my recovery. I’m grateful for that. So while losing my previous job and losing my ex may have seemed devastating at the time, my alcoholic thinking didn’t allow me to see these new opportunities. I’m grateful for the whole process.
I’m using my 50th day of sobriety as a symbol of the beginning of my real recovery. I see that it has nothing to do with alcohol, it’s all about how I see my place in the world. Alcohol is just the poison I used to hang on to my delusions. I find my mind clearing still, and I think I have a long journey ahead of me. I hope to use this blog to more thoughtfully discuss my take on recovery and whatever roadblocks I stumble over along the path.
OK……I spent many years in AA, wondering why I didnt seem to fit in with a group of people who never fit in….I havent been back to meetings in a long time and found out Im not an alcoholic. Funny thing is, I dont even like the taste anymore so I still dont drink but for different reasons.. So I wondered should I go beack and tell them that I now can drink like a gentleman if I want and wait for them to tip their hats to me?
Nah…..What would be the point, Im still not a saint but I do have a deeper understanding of my mind thanks to those folks…Youre the first Ive read who seems to have experienced the same thing I have.
Good luck and thanks for writing
Leigh
Hi Leigh…. I just happened to be writing it all down as I was going through it, and my questioning seemed to rub a lot of people the wrong way. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic (a conclusion which i just recently came to), because I can drink in moderation if I wanted to. But I don’t like what alcohol does to me, so I choose not to drink. Everybody’s different.
I definitely got something from AA .. maybe some understanding and a place to go to just slow down and take stock of myself. My life definitely used to be out of control, and I’m glad to have some of that control back.
Thanks for sharing… I’m sure there are others who come to the same conclusion, and it’s good to know that I’m not the only one. I certainly learned a lot from the people on these blogs over the past few months.
Melinda
Hi Melinda,
I started out in AA and it did have an impact on me. I relapsed after 5 years and found a sponsor that was a godsend. She was engaged in Hinduism more than Buddhism, and taught me to rely on a higher power that is within me. I continued being an AA for 3 more years but gradually I felt that I needed more than a spiritual kindergarten. My quest for truth began. By simply being open to an answer, I was led to Buddhism, another godsend. Both methods ask for diligence and honesty. Looking back from where I’m at today, I did not fully consider the other truths about me. I have clinical depression and alcoholism which really kicked my rear end which led to relapse again and attempted suicide. So I am in the same space as you, vulnerable and isolating. I have one friend that visits. This recovery is proving to be a slow and long one. I am grateful for my Buddhist practice. It brings me moments of peace and safety enough to get through the day. I’ve taken up blogging my recovery as it happens which hopefully will bear some fruit.
Thanks for the post. It has encouraged me to put myself out there honestly and rely on my refuge to the Triple Gem.
Cathy
Hi Cathy,
I appreciate your story. I never found anyone in my AA group who didn;t believe in god, but I never had the courage to ask, either. I had a really difficult time stopping drinking when my life became completely out of control, but I was finally able to find some peace, with the help of AA. It gave me a place to go. Meditation helped a lot, although I have given that up. I think I need to start again. I kept bringing up a deep sadness that I am too afraid to face, so I stopped. I listen to Buddhist podcasts at work and at the gym, and I hear things that open my heart and my mind, for which I am grateful.
What is this? is a question I ask myself often. Not what am I looking at or thinking about, but what is seeing, what is thinking? It’s funny that I have to learn to accept myself as I am in order to see that I am not my self. I’ve had moments of self-acceptance, but can’t seem to hold on to them for too long.
My moods are all over the place lately, and it’s difficult for me to keep it together, but I do. All my friends were the binge drinking types, so I let them go. After drinking, we have nothing in common. And when no one called me to ask how I was after breaking up with my ex, I knew they were never real friends to begin with. I keep to myself because I don’t know where to meet people, except at bars. It’s hard for me to connect with people when I have so much self-doubt.
I started a yoga practice, and that helps keep me centered, but it’s hard sometimes when I think I’m not worth the effort. I hate to say that, but that’s what I feel sometimes.
I’m somewhat terrified to seek professional help for whatever mood disorder I suffer from, but I think that might be my next step… eventually. I haven’t actually felt this bad in awhile, so I thought I could handle it, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve got a change of scenery coming up in a couple of weeks, so maybe I can develop a change in perspective. Maybe I can just sit and breathe for awhile. I know I’ll be ok, though.
Thanks for your comments. I think the magic of this blog is the kindness I have felt from strangers.
Melinda
P.S.
With regards to AA, being Christian-based (I used to be one) I think most members tend to confuse spirituality with religion and get stuck with the notion of a static Being calling all the shots. That was my cue to seek out an answer. My higher power felt more like a Universal Flow than a God in heaven.
Hi Melinda…
I’ve followed your writing for quite a while and read almost every post. I was sorry to see that you pulled down your blog but I certainly understand. It was amazing to see you transform. Beautiful actually. And I believe you have an amazing strength and will.
I pointed my wife to a few of your posts that I thought would help her because she has a problem of sorts, although not with alcohol. I think they helped her along with other things. She is doing so much better.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
julian… thanks. i’m blown away at the connections i have made by writing here. i really just write here for selfish reasons — i just needed to be heard, i needed to know i was still alive, i needed to know i would be ok. to connect with people through my flaws and my strengths has been amazing. i’m still learning a lot about myself, but mostly i think i’ll be ok.
thanks for reading, and commenting. your comment brought me tears when i read it earlier today. i’m happy for your wife — it’s difficult to work through any kind of problem, especially when it requires a great change in perspective, as most problems do, it seems.
melinda
Melinda,
I don’t know if you remember me but we spoke a couple of times on your last blog. I just wanted to let you know that you have been an inpiration to me. I quit thinking for awhile and went along with life, drink and dating trying to pretend like I didn’t have a problem but the truth always comes out. Anyway, I have followed your blog and was always happy to see that you were doing so well. You provided me with hope and the realization that it is doable. I like the way you think.
I wish you much luck in your endeavors and your quest for inner-peace. You are an amazing, honest and introspective person that will come back to you ten fold.
Take care,
Ty
Hey Ty,
Of course I remember you. You were like my online AA counterpart. Sorry it took me so long to reply, but I was offline for a bit.
You’re right, the truth always comes out. I’m wrestling with just how alone I feel lately. Spending a week on a beautiful vacation by myself kinda rubbed it in a little. And I have no idea how to meet open-minded people who don’t drink. Sometimes I feel like I am just so disconnected from the world, but that’s nothing new.
At least I know not to drink, even if I want to. I’ve drank on 2 occasions in the past 6 months, and both times I felt like I lost my mind for about a week (and I didn’t even drink much). But it’s all about that moment in there, where I can find a pause that I couldn’t find before.
I’m reading a book about mindfulness and depression, and how the sadness just builds up. So, every time I feel sad, I feel all the sadness that I ever felt, and then I wonder what’s wrong with me and what I can do to fix it. And then I don’t even remember what made me sad in the first place, but I just feel completely inadequate because I don’t know how to get out of it, so there must just be something fundamentally wrong with me. Sounds kinda stupid, but that;s what I’m working on now — finding a moment in that thought pattern to just be.
Anyway, too much rambling. I still feel crazy, drinking or not drinking, men or no men.I just need to figure out how to take a step back and just be.
Good to hear from you. Much luck and happiness to you as well.
Melinda